The Greenpoint Gazette – the voice of Greenpoint – is a neighborhood newspaper in Brooklyn, NYC via Greenpoint Gazette:The Subway Bar: Drinks.

Last night Ethan and I went to Hotsy Totsy’s Dr. Who burlesque show. As an avid Dr. Who fan (I carry around a sonic screwdriver in my bag everyday) and have very little experience with proper burlesque shows, I was not sure what to expect – more-so, how they would combine the two.

This show, as advertised here, was recommened by a friend of ours, Mykle Hoban, that instructed us to attend. The venue was in the basement of The Delancy located in the Lower East Side of Manhattan. Small, dark and limited seating, Ethan and I got a beer and found the most comfortable standing area.
A woman danced half naked to warm up the crowd and then the host, Cherry Pitz, started. With a big red wig and a high pitched voice she was interrupted by The Doctor, who resembled Tennant, and gave the audience a wonderful introduction as to who and what The Doctor is. The highlights of this were the references he threw to those there for the The Doctor. Yes, he even said “Wibbly wobbly”. Another amusing part was when The Doctor (as the 10th) used the 11th Doctor’s sonic screwdriver – this error in continuity was noted with a scream here-and-there from audience members.
He ran off the stage with his gorgeous red-haired companion and the show continued. The first dancer performed, Cherry returned to the stage to present the next dance and The Doctor is found back on stage. This would be the format for the rest of the show with the narrative that a alien poop monster (my kinda monster, right?) that had escaped from space prison.
The dancers were lovely, of course. The high lights of the burlesque dancers:
1) The second dancer walked up to the stage naked and covered in chains, tape over her mouth and nipples, with what sounded like Sunn O))) playing. Once on stage she used a slow twisting dance to remove the chains from her body. When she was unbound from the shackles she removed the tape and spit out blood. It was so awesome and brutal. Ethan and I did not see this one coming. (Note: if pictures or videos were allowed, there would be one here)

2) During the intermission I met The Doctor, discovered several other attendees had also brought their sonic screwdrivers and once I returned to the basement I watched as one of the performers was dancing to a remix of the Dr. Who theme song. She later danced to “Human Fly” by The Cramps – which has forever been a fantasy of mine to watch (TMI?).

3) We got to see The Doctor’s companion get naked. AND – the only thing that can stop the alien poop monster was Cherry Pitz’s boobs – naked dancing followed.

All in all, it was a great experience. In a nutshell, it was a burlesque show intended to introduce Dr. Who fans to burlesque, and burlesque lovers to Dr. Who. I would even consider going to another event preformed by this group of gals.

When we last left our hairy-footed heroes, they had settled in at a tavern in the Bushwick parish of New York to wash the dust from their heels and ponder their future. The night grew late, and they did retire. The following morn, Joe the mighty bard took Austigorn and Ethan, king of the elves, on a tour of the Lower East Side of Manhattan, commonly translated as “White People Island”. They did feast upon cheap dumplings at “Vanessa’s” in Chinatown, and got caught in a mighty gale. Austigorn sought refuge in a local shop that specialized in drawings of fantasy stories, and found the clerk therein to be quite comely. They embarked into a tavern that shows True Blood, an epic concerning “vampyres”, to wait out the storm.

The three parted ways shortly thereafter, but a night of revelry still awaited. Samwise and Ethan, king of the elves, did wander the streets of Brooklyn for a time, along a circuitous route that led them across the mighty Williamsburg Bridge, a powerful chokepoint used in defense of White People Island. No army has ever breached Manhattan, at least not since mid-July.

Parts of Brooklyn remind me so much of Midgar sometimes that it makes my heart weep.

There Samwise and Ethan, king of the elves, descended into the catacombs beneath the city, where Samwise took the “Moria” route back to the land of Bushwick, while Ethan rode the Number 6 dwarf-coach uptown to meet Austigorn and his friend Alex (another bard) at the Boar’s Head Tavern, where they found all the comforts of home. There were recordings by Devil Makes Three, as well as Golden Tee, a popular diversion at the Rush Inn in days of yore.

The days that followed flew by in a blur. Austigorn found his Green Lantern rings to be an excellent conversation starter, and atteneded a free Murder City Devils concert in a local park. He quickly found employment at Hotel Delmano in Williamsburg parish, where he concocts fancy elixirs for the local populace.

Ethan, king of the elves, has been deep in negotiations with the local Hasidic population in order to find a house for the fellowship. Armed with his own good credit and Austigorn’s Jewish-sounding last name, they have overcome their lack of paystubs to land a nice 3-bedroom in a favorable location in Bushwick parish. Together he, Austigorn and Joe the bard have spent many nights in revelry, enjoying $5 beer-and-shot combos across the land.

Samwise the Temperate has been juggling his 3 jobs with alacrity. He spends his off-hours sleeping on roofs, eating peculiar food-stuffs and eBay-ing a lot. The fellowship has found the weather to be sticky but manageable, the tortillas to be unpalatable (although the beans and rice are pretty spot-on), and the lasses to be fair. Armed with their trusty iPalantirs, they’re even able to find their way from one place to another sometimes. So far, New York City seems to be a place that isn’t going to totally kick their asses just yet.

Book 3: Return of the Dudes

Last we left Austigorn and Ethan, King of the Elves, they had just landed in Chicago of the Illinois kingdom to stay with Austigorn’s uncle Sir Ricardo of the Suarez clan – mighty warrior of the night.

Using his well-air-conditioned domain to relax and refuel their systems with meat and mead, the adventurous pair were back on top of their game.

At a feast held in their honor on Sunday, they ate and drank enough to fill four bellies. They met with former Shire-dwellers Paul, a man from the future, and Daria, a mercenary who specializes in theatrical tactics, for dinner and drinks – yum!

Returning to Sir Ricardo’s pad, both brave warriors packed their bags and prepared for what would be their longest stretch of travel yet.

Tuesday morning at 10am, they said their goodbyes to Austigorn’s family and, with lifted and relaxed spirits, mounted ol’ GreyBear, determined to make the dreaded 13 hour trek from Chicago to their destination of New York. The last leg would consist of traveling across four kingdoms (Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania & New Jersey) along with the kingdoms in which they would start and end.

With landscapes of fields, mountains and a road that was mostly rolling hills with interminable stretches under construction, the two began to become fatigued with all the driving and the great distance. This leg of the trip also included time traveling forward one hour in time – sadly, this venture through time and space did not help the overall traveling time. Once night fell, the two knew that there was only one conclusion for the night. They would continue forward to rescue Samwise Saarni from the growing monster named LackofDudes.

New Jersey and Newark sucked and were difficult to trek through, and as the last and final test of their trip, they had to fight through the yellow taxi sea of Manhattan. Once across the bridge and into Brooklyn, Austigorn and Ethan, mighty King of the Elves, sang their songs of victory and waved their Santa Cruz Shire flag high.

It was late in the eve, practically morning, when they slowly crept upon their newest rest point. The home of Joe Petersen, mighty Viking lord and mystic man of music, who so kindly let them unpack then took them to the glorious keep of Ali, where they drank much mead and ate delicious food. Their journey across the lands was over, but another journey was just beginning. Something that might be harder than anything they had ever done before, a test of everything they know with results that are yet to be foreseen. It was called Brooklyn, New York – and it begins now…

Check back next week for the epilogue:
The Chronicles of Saarnia, in which we see how Samwise Saarni has been faring, and how Austigorn and Ethan, king of the Elves, have spent their first week.

Book 2: The Two Dudes

The story of book two begins as Austigorn & Ethan, king of the Elves, conquer Battle Mountain. While the taverns and casinos were nice, the adventurous pair had to push on eastward, in hopes of bringing the power of friendship to the stranded Samwise Saarni.

The next leg of their journey was to travel through the salted flat lands of Utah – a place that was hexed to cause travelers to see a series of mystical mirages.

With Ethan steering their steed, ol’ GreyBear, through the salted earth, then through the dangerous passes of the Rockies, they were making good travel time. It was on Wednesday during which they traveled through three different kingdoms (Nevada, Utah and halfway through Wyoming).

The fires of Mt. Doom, clearly visible from camp in Rawlins.

There was nothing of much excitement, but the determined two had decided to make camp in a village called Rawlins of the Wyoming kingdom.

It is the second half of this tale in which notable events did occur. Traveling from Rawlins, they spent the day in a race for Lincoln of the Nebraska kingdom in which they intended to make camp with a local of the area who was so inclined to take in a couple of adventurers. “We ride for Rohan” said Austigorn, then was proud for making another Lord of the Rings reference. Ethan quickly responded, “Dude, we do not ride for Rohan, but for Lincoln!”

Many foes were vanquished, many lasses wooed.

Once GreyBear was posted up and resting, we went to meet up with our gracious host, Nicole – female warrior and curse thrower. While she was still occupied with her day’s duties, Austigorn and Ethan sought shelter in a nearby tavern and replenished their appetites with delicious cheap mead from the local brewer, and chicken tenders. The two eventually meet up with Nicole and she lets them unload their saddle bags and settle in for a quick moment’s time before going back to see what the locals had to offer. And offer they did – concluding with the two travelers becoming quite drunk!

It was through the first moments of inebriation and relaxation that they realized Lincoln, of the Nebraska kingdom, reminded them so much of the Shire. A flood of emotion had taken the two by surprise, and they decided, for the remainder of their stay in Lincoln, they were home. Sadly, their taverns close at 1am, instead of the 2am end the travelers were accustomed to. Regardless, Austigorn and Ethan had met a variety of other awesome locals to the area, all of whom had accepted them as their own. With arms full carrying beer, and a band of new friends, they all returned to the home of Nicole and partied till the dawn light had returned. They all retired.

The following day, the three had taken to the streets to see a variety of attractions that included their local comic shop (so Austigorn could purchase the week’s new releases), the local brewery and the Zoo. All of which were very exciting (but kinda difficult because they were hung over). After the Zoo, they napped, woke up and returned for some more evening festivities.

PIZZA!

BEER!

A few hours later the three found themselves at a tavern called Bourbon (www.bourbontheatre.com) that had an amazing spirits selection, a very knowledgeable barkeep named Luke and really good Manhattans (not to mention the only place we found with Fernet!). Again, they had found themselves in a somewhat intoxicated state, and now also joined by Nicole‘s friend named Caitlin.

The four now pushed on to a variety of other taverns, played pool, heard last call, again returned to the home of Nicole to once more hang out on her porch and consume more mead.

Feeling rested and rejuvenated, Austigorn and Ethan, king of the Elves, said their goodbyes to the ferocious female warrior and spurred GreyBear toward Chicago – birthplace of Austigorn and home to former Shire-dwellers, Paul and Daria.

Until next time – keep it awesome, keep it rockin’.

Book 1: There and Back Sometime
The Search For Battle Mountain

Stardate 09052010:
We left The Shire in search of possible companions in Bree (Davis). Much mead was drunk at Sophia’s Tavern with fellow sorcerers Eric, Kai, Hiram & many more.

We got to rethink the entire first half of our plan (because distances look much shorter on Google Maps). No companions were found (well, Hiram found one but they’re headed back south) so we soldiered on.

Our band of two was due east, finally realizing there was no turning back. Having traveled further from the shire then we have in quite some time, we said goodbye to California.

Next was Reno, NV (the land of a fellow shire-dweller Taylor)! Austigorn had never been to a casino, so we stopped in to have a bit of the local-lands mead and try our chance at fortune, and so Ethan (King of the Elves) approved for our mighty steed to make a stop.

From Reno we traveled into the sanded lands of west Nevada en route to the supposed heathen horn of Battle Mountain (Nevada). On our journey there we had to pass through ‘The Summit of Galconda’, forge beyond ‘Iron Point’, break the gates of ‘Stonehouse’ and finally crossing ‘Mote’. (For the record, all of these places really exist on the way to Battle Mountain)

The forges burn through the night at Iron Point

Finally arriving in the lands of Battle Mountain we realized this was no place of fear, but an awesome and welcoming landscape of gambling and interesting people. The only ones we have had to fight have been the mosquitoes, which is understandable because we had slain so many of their comrades on our metal steed.

In B.M. we got a hotel room, showered (made #3) and went to the nearest tavern to relax after a long day of travel! While we looked for our usual mead of Jameson, we learned the folk of Battle Mountain believe the red-head people that hail from the land of Ireland are pussies. So we drank upon a glass of Jack.

Then back to our hotel room to retire for the eve.

Hey! Back off you little shit bird!!

hearts and shit,
Hiram, Ethan and VitaminC4

So I realized pretty quickly I guess that I’m not really a person who enjoys going to – at least not a person who seeks out – shows and/or other culturally relevant stimuli. I’m pretty much the web guy, but of course the web guy cannot long endure with only 1 journalist/reporter. So perhaps this pair of posts will nicely book-end our careers as culture bloggers for the greater Santa Cruz area, and will usher in a new era without restriction or remorse, an era where we just bullshit about whatever grabs our gander. Because we do have a pretty fucking nice-looking site if I do say so myself. Anything that goes up here will be rad, especially since we’re both at crossroads in our lives (more to come on that later).

<3 Ethan James

Here we are again. More or less stagnant and unable to keep up with the fast paced world of today. I write this from the mobile VitaminC4 station currently located in somewhere in western Texas wondering if anyone will read this. I hope so, or maybe i don’t, I’m not sure yet I will have to consult with Ethan.

As for the future of this little piece of the internet we carved out for ourselves, who knows. When I return to Santa Cruz I will be (f)unemployed so maybe that will lead to more time to rant about anything we see fit. Once again there is only one way to find out, so check in with us from time to time just for good measure.

Hi Ethan! I miss you!!

buttons and hearts,
Hiram Coffee