The Greenpoint Gazette – the voice of Greenpoint – is a neighborhood newspaper in Brooklyn, NYC

via Greenpoint Gazette:Booze Review: Bulleit 95 Rye.

It’s that time of year again. In what’s become an annual tradition here at iFanboy we have our version of Shark Week on Discovery.

It’s the start of the week and Austin plans his attack on the menacing stack that stares him down. See how he plans to fight back in Part 2 of the 2011 Stack Week!

(via iFanboy by Austin)

A review of the various rums under the DonQ brand while enjoying food at Brooklyn’s Fatty Cue. (linked here)

(via The Greenpoint Gazette)

Crowning the New King of Comic Book Cinema! by Austin Hartman. via iFanboy

I am a nerd.

Lemme say that again.

I AM A NERD!

And for those who don’t know, when one is a proud and dedicated individual to the geek lifestyle, there are certain attributes that bless and curse them. One is an appreciation for art, of many or any medium. Another – the desire to purchase and collect items (toys, art, books, DVDs, etc) to an almost obsessive degree. It was these two attributes, dare I say ‘skills’, that brought my attention to the booming vinyl/designer toy market several years ago. Until recently, in which I moved to New York three months ago, my collection of designer toy series had adorned every corner of my room, but since my move I came to the realization that I cannot keep spending money on toys, collectibles and non-functioning items, which is something that breaks my heart. That was until I was introduced to a company at this year’s New York Comic Con called Mimobot whose business model is to create designer USB flash drives – and I gotta say, they are doing it right.
Created in 2005, this Boston based company has been making a storm on the market amongst technophiles, designer toy collectors and the overall geek culture. With a variety of different series from Star Wars, Hello Kitty, and Happy Tree Friends to artist originals, I cannot think of a better way or company to make my computer look cooler. With flash drives that start at 2gb and run up to 16gb, there is something for everyone and all their storage needs.
If you’re yet to be sold on this company’s innovative take on designer toys and the digital market, I met with Mimobot representative Jessica Smiley whose sincere tag line of the company’s purpose was a perfect summary. She said that the company “takes the hollow vinyl toys and give them a digital soul.” I found that to be rather poetic and all “futury” statement regardless.

GiddyUp by Hila Rosenberg Arazi

If having the coolest looking flash drive isn’t enough, Mimobot created more features that further set their product aside from the flash drive, and designer toy, market further. Each drive comes pre-loaded with erasable content that includes:

- programmed sounds that activate upon docking and un-docking of the drive that are specific to the drives characters. (I will say I am not sure if this is specific only to the Star Wars series, which I became the proud owner of, or all the drives sold). Nonetheless, when I dock my Darth Vader drive in my ears drum with a series of sounds that play – all of which “drive” me to spend several more minutes plugging the drive in-and-out of my computer.

- A variety of screen savers and desktop images (from my experience related to my Mimobot and the series it belongs to).

- The Mimo-zine which includes artist interviews, news and more about the company and industry.

rep Jessica Smiley and I

Lastly, while remaining in the true spirit of designer toys they offer special and rare versions to some of the series. Originally at the booth I planned to acquire the Star Wars Wampa flash drive, but after rep. Jessica told me that one of six Darth Vader drives have the scared face of the classic series. I had to take my chances. It didn’t work to my favor (but, it still remains to be radical).
Aside from the various licensed crossover series, Mimobot also offers some very amazing bots by famed, and new, designer toy artists that continue the imaginative and creative spirit that designer toys are predicated on.

In the end, I am a person that is always on my computer, is always in need to transfer and move data and I have found my preferred mode of data transportation – Mimobot.

The Greenpoint Gazette – the voice of Greenpoint – is a neighborhood newspaper in Brooklyn, NYC

via Greenpoint Gazette:BROOKLYN BARS: The Counting Room.

Another simple, and satisfying review.

When we last left our hairy-footed heroes, they had settled in at a tavern in the Bushwick parish of New York to wash the dust from their heels and ponder their future. The night grew late, and they did retire. The following morn, Joe the mighty bard took Austigorn and Ethan, king of the elves, on a tour of the Lower East Side of Manhattan, commonly translated as “White People Island”. They did feast upon cheap dumplings at “Vanessa’s” in Chinatown, and got caught in a mighty gale. Austigorn sought refuge in a local shop that specialized in drawings of fantasy stories, and found the clerk therein to be quite comely. They embarked into a tavern that shows True Blood, an epic concerning “vampyres”, to wait out the storm.

The three parted ways shortly thereafter, but a night of revelry still awaited. Samwise and Ethan, king of the elves, did wander the streets of Brooklyn for a time, along a circuitous route that led them across the mighty Williamsburg Bridge, a powerful chokepoint used in defense of White People Island. No army has ever breached Manhattan, at least not since mid-July.

Parts of Brooklyn remind me so much of Midgar sometimes that it makes my heart weep.

There Samwise and Ethan, king of the elves, descended into the catacombs beneath the city, where Samwise took the “Moria” route back to the land of Bushwick, while Ethan rode the Number 6 dwarf-coach uptown to meet Austigorn and his friend Alex (another bard) at the Boar’s Head Tavern, where they found all the comforts of home. There were recordings by Devil Makes Three, as well as Golden Tee, a popular diversion at the Rush Inn in days of yore.

The days that followed flew by in a blur. Austigorn found his Green Lantern rings to be an excellent conversation starter, and atteneded a free Murder City Devils concert in a local park. He quickly found employment at Hotel Delmano in Williamsburg parish, where he concocts fancy elixirs for the local populace.

Ethan, king of the elves, has been deep in negotiations with the local Hasidic population in order to find a house for the fellowship. Armed with his own good credit and Austigorn’s Jewish-sounding last name, they have overcome their lack of paystubs to land a nice 3-bedroom in a favorable location in Bushwick parish. Together he, Austigorn and Joe the bard have spent many nights in revelry, enjoying $5 beer-and-shot combos across the land.

Samwise the Temperate has been juggling his 3 jobs with alacrity. He spends his off-hours sleeping on roofs, eating peculiar food-stuffs and eBay-ing a lot. The fellowship has found the weather to be sticky but manageable, the tortillas to be unpalatable (although the beans and rice are pretty spot-on), and the lasses to be fair. Armed with their trusty iPalantirs, they’re even able to find their way from one place to another sometimes. So far, New York City seems to be a place that isn’t going to totally kick their asses just yet.

Book 3: Return of the Dudes

Last we left Austigorn and Ethan, King of the Elves, they had just landed in Chicago of the Illinois kingdom to stay with Austigorn’s uncle Sir Ricardo of the Suarez clan – mighty warrior of the night.

Using his well-air-conditioned domain to relax and refuel their systems with meat and mead, the adventurous pair were back on top of their game.

At a feast held in their honor on Sunday, they ate and drank enough to fill four bellies. They met with former Shire-dwellers Paul, a man from the future, and Daria, a mercenary who specializes in theatrical tactics, for dinner and drinks – yum!

Returning to Sir Ricardo’s pad, both brave warriors packed their bags and prepared for what would be their longest stretch of travel yet.

Tuesday morning at 10am, they said their goodbyes to Austigorn’s family and, with lifted and relaxed spirits, mounted ol’ GreyBear, determined to make the dreaded 13 hour trek from Chicago to their destination of New York. The last leg would consist of traveling across four kingdoms (Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania & New Jersey) along with the kingdoms in which they would start and end.

With landscapes of fields, mountains and a road that was mostly rolling hills with interminable stretches under construction, the two began to become fatigued with all the driving and the great distance. This leg of the trip also included time traveling forward one hour in time – sadly, this venture through time and space did not help the overall traveling time. Once night fell, the two knew that there was only one conclusion for the night. They would continue forward to rescue Samwise Saarni from the growing monster named LackofDudes.

New Jersey and Newark sucked and were difficult to trek through, and as the last and final test of their trip, they had to fight through the yellow taxi sea of Manhattan. Once across the bridge and into Brooklyn, Austigorn and Ethan, mighty King of the Elves, sang their songs of victory and waved their Santa Cruz Shire flag high.

It was late in the eve, practically morning, when they slowly crept upon their newest rest point. The home of Joe Petersen, mighty Viking lord and mystic man of music, who so kindly let them unpack then took them to the glorious keep of Ali, where they drank much mead and ate delicious food. Their journey across the lands was over, but another journey was just beginning. Something that might be harder than anything they had ever done before, a test of everything they know with results that are yet to be foreseen. It was called Brooklyn, New York – and it begins now…

Check back next week for the epilogue:
The Chronicles of Saarnia, in which we see how Samwise Saarni has been faring, and how Austigorn and Ethan, king of the Elves, have spent their first week.

Book 2: The Two Dudes

The story of book two begins as Austigorn & Ethan, king of the Elves, conquer Battle Mountain. While the taverns and casinos were nice, the adventurous pair had to push on eastward, in hopes of bringing the power of friendship to the stranded Samwise Saarni.

The next leg of their journey was to travel through the salted flat lands of Utah – a place that was hexed to cause travelers to see a series of mystical mirages.

With Ethan steering their steed, ol’ GreyBear, through the salted earth, then through the dangerous passes of the Rockies, they were making good travel time. It was on Wednesday during which they traveled through three different kingdoms (Nevada, Utah and halfway through Wyoming).

The fires of Mt. Doom, clearly visible from camp in Rawlins.

There was nothing of much excitement, but the determined two had decided to make camp in a village called Rawlins of the Wyoming kingdom.

It is the second half of this tale in which notable events did occur. Traveling from Rawlins, they spent the day in a race for Lincoln of the Nebraska kingdom in which they intended to make camp with a local of the area who was so inclined to take in a couple of adventurers. “We ride for Rohan” said Austigorn, then was proud for making another Lord of the Rings reference. Ethan quickly responded, “Dude, we do not ride for Rohan, but for Lincoln!”

Many foes were vanquished, many lasses wooed.

Once GreyBear was posted up and resting, we went to meet up with our gracious host, Nicole – female warrior and curse thrower. While she was still occupied with her day’s duties, Austigorn and Ethan sought shelter in a nearby tavern and replenished their appetites with delicious cheap mead from the local brewer, and chicken tenders. The two eventually meet up with Nicole and she lets them unload their saddle bags and settle in for a quick moment’s time before going back to see what the locals had to offer. And offer they did – concluding with the two travelers becoming quite drunk!

It was through the first moments of inebriation and relaxation that they realized Lincoln, of the Nebraska kingdom, reminded them so much of the Shire. A flood of emotion had taken the two by surprise, and they decided, for the remainder of their stay in Lincoln, they were home. Sadly, their taverns close at 1am, instead of the 2am end the travelers were accustomed to. Regardless, Austigorn and Ethan had met a variety of other awesome locals to the area, all of whom had accepted them as their own. With arms full carrying beer, and a band of new friends, they all returned to the home of Nicole and partied till the dawn light had returned. They all retired.

The following day, the three had taken to the streets to see a variety of attractions that included their local comic shop (so Austigorn could purchase the week’s new releases), the local brewery and the Zoo. All of which were very exciting (but kinda difficult because they were hung over). After the Zoo, they napped, woke up and returned for some more evening festivities.

PIZZA!

BEER!

A few hours later the three found themselves at a tavern called Bourbon (www.bourbontheatre.com) that had an amazing spirits selection, a very knowledgeable barkeep named Luke and really good Manhattans (not to mention the only place we found with Fernet!). Again, they had found themselves in a somewhat intoxicated state, and now also joined by Nicole‘s friend named Caitlin.

The four now pushed on to a variety of other taverns, played pool, heard last call, again returned to the home of Nicole to once more hang out on her porch and consume more mead.

Feeling rested and rejuvenated, Austigorn and Ethan, king of the Elves, said their goodbyes to the ferocious female warrior and spurred GreyBear toward Chicago – birthplace of Austigorn and home to former Shire-dwellers, Paul and Daria.

Until next time – keep it awesome, keep it rockin’.

Book 1: There and Back Sometime
The Search For Battle Mountain

Stardate 09052010:
We left The Shire in search of possible companions in Bree (Davis). Much mead was drunk at Sophia’s Tavern with fellow sorcerers Eric, Kai, Hiram & many more.

We got to rethink the entire first half of our plan (because distances look much shorter on Google Maps). No companions were found (well, Hiram found one but they’re headed back south) so we soldiered on.

Our band of two was due east, finally realizing there was no turning back. Having traveled further from the shire then we have in quite some time, we said goodbye to California.

Next was Reno, NV (the land of a fellow shire-dweller Taylor)! Austigorn had never been to a casino, so we stopped in to have a bit of the local-lands mead and try our chance at fortune, and so Ethan (King of the Elves) approved for our mighty steed to make a stop.

From Reno we traveled into the sanded lands of west Nevada en route to the supposed heathen horn of Battle Mountain (Nevada). On our journey there we had to pass through ‘The Summit of Galconda’, forge beyond ‘Iron Point’, break the gates of ‘Stonehouse’ and finally crossing ‘Mote’. (For the record, all of these places really exist on the way to Battle Mountain)

The forges burn through the night at Iron Point

Finally arriving in the lands of Battle Mountain we realized this was no place of fear, but an awesome and welcoming landscape of gambling and interesting people. The only ones we have had to fight have been the mosquitoes, which is understandable because we had slain so many of their comrades on our metal steed.

In B.M. we got a hotel room, showered (made #3) and went to the nearest tavern to relax after a long day of travel! While we looked for our usual mead of Jameson, we learned the folk of Battle Mountain believe the red-head people that hail from the land of Ireland are pussies. So we drank upon a glass of Jack.

Then back to our hotel room to retire for the eve.

While this might be my first quiet moment I’ve had in New York I feel almost too tired to write. This is only because I’m trying to refuel my tanks for the rest that is to come. But, before I tell you all about that, let me tell you about what has happened so far.
Thursday I arrived into NY at 11:50pm! Joe Petersen, who I am staying with for part of my time here, said he was going to pick me up from the airport but didn’t. This part was rather exciting for me because I now had to figure out the New York subway system in a matter of minutes. Let me tell you this: The New York Subway system is the easiest and most understandable system in the world. You would have to be deaf, dumb and blind to not figure it out.
Moving on, and finally meeting up with Joe, and his two friends from SF, CA (who are also visiting for the weekend) at a bar in Williamsburg, Brooklyn – I was ready to party. From about 12:30pm to 4am we drank and took photo booth pictures. Continuing the party we decided to go to Manahattan (where the SF guys were staying) and see everything until the sun came up. I went to Grand Central station and spoke into the whisper arch, the NY Library and saw where Billy Murray & Dan Aykroyd stood in one scene of Ghostbusters, sacraficed the Chrysler building to the blood god and lastly saw Bryant Park.
At this point in time is it now 8am…

On friday I awoke midafternoon feeling like crap. But I had to suck it up because I was meeting my friend and former co-worker Katie and her friend Alex at the NY MOMA for free day. These two gals have turned out to be the coolest, and cutest, guides in NY.
At the MOMA we went into a film, that we didnt know anything about other then it being Canadian cinema. IT WAS THE MOST DEPRESSING MOVIE EVER! But it was also very beautiful. It was called “Polytechnique” (2009), and it’s about the Montreal Massacre of 1989.
To lighten our moods we went to the main exhibit which was Tim Burton’s art. Deciding that was enough to make us feel happier, we went for drinks in west village then went back to Brooklyn to get dinner. The three of us ate at Robertas pizza where we ordered a delicious pizza to split and also BONE MARROW. It was served in the bone and when taken out and spread onto bread it looks like a thick red cream. BRUTAL!
After dinner, the two ladies had to depart and I went off on my own to find the Gotham City Lounge. I found it, and holy crap, it was awesome. With action figures and other comic collectibles hanging from the ceiling, large posters plastering the walls and the tables covered in comic book panels – I was in shock and awe. Joe was just getting off work and I was headed to his place to finally drop off my bag. From here, Joe and I decided to take me to his favorite neighborhood bar called Ali’s Two80. Ali, who is the owner, bartender, cook and cleaner he is 56 years old and 100% bad-ass. After a couple of rounds talking with old school Brooklyn Italian dudes who work in “construction” and are slightly racist, Ali closed down the shop and let Joe and myself stay in the bar. He cooked us food, gave us free whiskey and beer and told us stories about times he uses his ‘shovel’ to kick people out.
Again, 100% BADASS DUDE.
We get back at 6am.

From here on out, I’ll be a little quicker with my experiences:
Saturday, Joe and I got up to meet with his friends for brunch in Hells Kitchen at a place that had bottomless mimosas, screw drivers or bloody marys. YES!
After brunch we went to Chelsea to meet with a friend of Joe’s from college.
CHELSEA is a giant gay night club all the time. And 90% of the dudes have sixpacks there.
Meeting up with Ricky, we went to the legendary Stonewall Inn and had a couple of drinks there. Did you know? Stonewall in always serves free hot dogs – hey, get your mind out of the gutter. I mean real hotdogs with buns, ketchup and mustard.
After Stonewall Inn, Joe, Ricky and myself went to the Comix Comedy Club to meet up with Alex and see Garfunkle & Oates preform – FOR FREE (the girl I sat next to on the plane works there and got us all in!!!). The show was beyond cute. So cute. My hearted melted. To be honest it was too cute for words I’m moving on…

After the show Alex and I went to Brooklyn to meet up with Katie at her work in Williamsburg. She got off work, we got food and drinks and then went to a bar till 4am playing telephone-pictionary.
Here is what happened. I am staying at Joe’s place. My phone died and so did his. I know where he lives (yeah, really good visual memory) but I didn’t know if I was going to be able to get back into his house – or even if he was going home.
I took a chance and rolled the dice. I took the subway back to bushwick alone. And waiting at the platform for 20min alone while waiting for the train is scary and cool all rolled-up into one. Walked to his house and rang the button. Whew – Vernon, his housemate, was awake and buzzed me in. Joe never showed up, so I got his bed.

That’s all for now. Tonight I’m off to Williamsburg to see Michael Showalter preform comedy with his friends.

see you soon internet!

While I pour my second, and expensive, miniature Jack Daniels into my small plastic cup while flying to New York there are two small children that keep staring at me while they take breaks from drawing in their jewish coloring books. First and foremost, I am on my way to New York City. Second, even after several glasses of whiskey and soda, 1 percocet and a stick of gum – I am still terrified of flying. I’m on my way to map out my future grounds as I, along with others, am bound to take over.

Regardless, once again, as an agent of Vitamin C4, I am hitting the road to bring you more from other places. While these posts won’t involve shots of whiskey with Warren Ellis, or insider previews to upcoming releases within the popular culture mediums, they will be more informative to the life that Sam, Ethan and I will be living in the near future.

These are the tales of a west coast boy in the big apple.

What might I be doing with my time in New York? I have no idea, with the exception of the following:

• a variety of Brooklyn bars (Manhattan seems a bit out of the price range, although I will probably end up doing it)
• Going to see as many comic shops as I can – because they are always a destination hotspot of mine.
• Seeing Garfunkle & Oates at the Comix comedy club (comixny.com), for free; compliments of the cute girl I’m sitting next to on the plane that works at said comedy club.
• And I think also I might be going to a potluck

Nonetheless, New York, look out because here comes Vitamin C4! (well, a fraction of it – but I still pack a pretty mean punch, and my sperm is strong).

Well it’s summer again, so here’s another amusing checklist.

Fire extinguisher
I really shouldn’t have to explain this one. Leftover fireworks. Drunken hipster BBQs. Flaming couches. Flaming machetes. Your beat up car overheating and bursting into flames. These are all very real and sometimes funny threats that will put you, your house, your friends and furniture in jeopardy.

Rush Inn drink tokens
I know you have a few and chances are you’re going to need to cash them in.

Warm Clothes
Santa Cruz Nights can be deceptively cold at times.

A working bicycle
Most of us have put this off for a long time, but it’s time to mount up and drunkenly run into inanimate objects.

BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!
The blood god is always going to need blood. This summer is no exception.

Bike helmet
Your brain is soft and mushy.

Coffee Places that are 3/4 of a mile from your house
If you’re (f)under-employed & sedentary like me, you can definitely appreciate the allure of having somewhere to walk to in the late morning. The Abbey may have mediocre, over-priced coffee, but it’s just the right distance from my house to get my blood moving and snap me out of the Firefly marathon that could easily consume my entire afternoon. Tomorrow I check out the news stand on Mission for the first time. Having goals is awesome!

Vacations
Hiram & I (Ethan) recently fled Santa Cruz for the sweltering relief of Davis. We lounged around in cut-offs, baring our pasty limbs to anonymous strangers instead of to cute girls we would run into at the bar later. Allegedly some screen-printing got done, and a vicious black widow was slain with a hammer, and I lost at Munchkin.

We also jaunted up to the Yuba River and climbed up-river through boulders & water-slides until I got tired and almost threw a tantrum… then beyond. We ended up at a 20-foot-rock that we all jumped off of, and there was much jubilation. I fell a whole bunch of times, once really hard onto a rock that looked like a goomba from Super Mario Bros. I was pretty concerned that I had fallen onto my liver and was probably going to die, but it just left a wicked bruise that healed from the center outward so that for a few days I looked like I had gotten a hickey from a Fraggle, and now it’s almost gone.

Austin didn’t get to go because he’s not on our insurance, by which I mean he was at Comic Con taking shots with famous authors and jump-starting his writing/film-making career. Sucks to be him.

Have a wonderful rest of your summer, everyone!
Check back soon to learn about more must-have summer life-savers that we forgot.

There I was. Enjoying iced tea and reading on my porch on a sunny afternoon. I took a shower at around six and headed downtown to grab a beer. Here’s where the plan falls apart.

6:30 Find Bryn drinking alone on the back porch of Pergolesi. Join him

6:50 Grab Bryn and head over to the Cypress Lounge for a sick art punk show

7:00 Burritos

7:20 The Screaming Females kick off the show. So good! This three piece from Philly destroyed. The lead guitarist/singer was this tiny girl that could fucking shred like a metal god.

7:45 More beer.

8:00 Shellshag, a cute couple that could beat the living shit out of any boyfriend/girlfriend band. Taking an interesting approach to drums, they rocked out so hard that you wanted to get what ever drugs they might be on.

8:50 The Cysts, part of some weird thrash scene revival that i was unaware of until then. I probably would have really liked them if i wasn’t distracted by a cute girl. (not Bryn).

9:20 We all got are dance on with Abe Vigoda. This is the second time I’ve had the pleasure of seeing them and they do not disappoint one bit. Last time I saw them they had a tape for sale of their new album Skeleton which a promptly bought and has been in heavy rotation in the truck stereo.

10:00 The show is over but one is about to start at Santa Cruz’s newest venue, The Parish Public House. And we’re off! I hop in a friends car and give up on having a nice quiet night at home.

10:15 We arrive at our destination to find the show hasn’t started yet. More beer! We grab a six pack and head over to a friend’s house on Dufour.

10:25 Three cute girls decide to shotgun beers.

10:26 Hilarity ensues. Having three cans of bud left and one fancy beer and our ranks having swelled to five we stand in a circle pounding the rest in rapid succession always passing the beer to an empty hand.

10:45 We head back to the show to find an opening band none of us are very interested in. We continue to chain smoke and shoot the shit.

10:55 After giving away all my cigarettes (I can never say no to a pretty lady even if there is four of them) I run over to the liquor store to resupply and somehow ended up with a cute little bottle Bushmill’s.

11:20 Oh my god. Botron starts playing. Imagine three kinda dirty punk kids playing the most perfect, schizophrenic mix of psych rock, metal, math rock and good ol’ southern rock. Hell yeah. Also this girl would not stop spitting on her boyfriend then performed drunken CPR on a Safeway security guard. WTFuck.

12:20 ish. Trying to figure what’s next we buy more booze and end up at my house.

Here’s where things start to get a little hazy.

1:00 I never went to college, but most of my friends did. So i have never played this drinking game Kings Cup.

1:30 I’m really drunk. And smoking inside.

2:00 More friends show up and my house mates come to investigate and end up part of the game. I am no longer wearing shoes at this point as a result of swearing like a sailor. Don’t ask.

3:00 my room smells like a fucking bar, but there is half a watermelon. Yay!!

3:30 DANCE PARTY!! the game has been abandoned due to lack of beer. I’m gonna go ahead and say that it was probably a good thing.

3:50 Jay-Z, strobe lights, animal masks, suits, ties, ladies, gentlemen, headdresses, whiskey, jacket related injuries (i’m really sorry about your eyebrow..)

4:30 The people start to filter out, and we start to clean up a bit.

4:50 “Want to watch True Blood??” “Sure!”

Sunrise.

Hooray for S.O.N.S. 09′

-Hiram Coffee (I’m a fucking journalist!)

So here I am in Austin, TX not doing what I told Ethan I would do. Yeah I know I told him that I would keep up with writing articles and not “slack off because I would be too busy going to shows, drinking and losing money in casinos”. But as you all have probably guessed by now that is not the case. Right now as I get ready for bed and day three of SXSW I would like to apologize for my incompetence as an internet presence on this tiny site we call Vitamin C4 and hope that Ethan can find it in his heart to forgive me. Oh and Ethan, if you kill my fish there will be blood..
Until my return please enjoy this picture of myself riding a mechanical bull in Las Vegas, NV.

Signing off for the duration of my whirlwind tour of the west and southwest U.S.
Hiram Coffee

Everyone knows about the Boardwalk (evil), the UC (unpopular) and the semi-circular ledge at the north end of Pacific where you can whisper into one end and your buddy on the other end can hear you just as if you were talking into his ear (awesome). This post is not about those hotspots.

Raise your hand if you know anything about Santa Cruz Biotechnology, Inc. Well, let me educate you. They are world leaders in deriving well-characterized transfected lysates. They offer over 2,500 lysates of human gene specific transfected 293T cells, and over 1,700 mouse gene specific transfected cells. For sale. On the internet. To any terrorist or communist with a credit card. I may not know what a transfected lysate is, but I know a couple other words that end with “fected”. Well, actually just one. Is it too early to presume that Santa Cruz Biotechnology, Inc. is blinded by hubris and greed, that their “transfected lysates” will spread and mutate, hastening the zombie apocalypse and bringing humanity to its knees? Only time will tell, but as far as snap judgments go I think that’s a pretty sound one. Fuck you, Santa Cruz Biotech.

For further examples of trespass against God, we need look no further than our town’s own history. I think everyone kind of assumed that Santa Cruz was founded by a missionary traveling up the coast looking for a chill spot to crash, and this is true. In 1774, Father Palou happened upon this fertile crescent north of the Monterey Bay and decided that it would support a large and prosperous mission. In 1791 he got around to erecting a cross and proclaiming “Let’s do this”, which by modern beach town standards is some pretty good turnaround time. The mission was built shortly thereafter.

That very winter, Mission Santa Cruz was flooded. The padres decided it might be a good idea to build it on a hill this time around. That was probably a good call, as it allowed the mission to enjoy almost six years of prosperity. Well, apart from some mild-to-moderate fire damage in 1793, most likely caused by the Quiroste indians in the area. It would appear that there was some sort of philosophical disagreement between the padres and the natives regarding work and education. Mainly regarding how much free labor the Quiroste were expected to provide (some thought “none”, others, “a lot”) and whether or not the padres should be allowed to discipline the natives with metal-barbed whips when they failed to memorize the Bible quickly enough. More on that later.

That brings us to 1797, when California Governor Diego de Borica entrusted some land to Miguel de la Grúa Talamanca y Branciforte in the interest of capitalizing on some sweet beach-front real estate. The brochures promised “neat, white houses”, farm tools, clothing and a substantial paycheck to any colonists who came to till the fertile soil along the San Lorenzo. Surprisingly enough, these claims turned out to be false. Even more surprisingly, the only people who got duped were a bunch of convicts from Guadalajara, sent here by the powers that be. This is the first documented example of another town sending its degenerates and undesirables to Santa Cruz, but certainly not the last.

These settlers were pretty mad when they showed up and there was nowhere for them to live and nothing for them to eat. They soon settled into their routine, kooking the Quiroste locals and not really farming much of anything. They did contribute one thing to their community – they constructed a racetrack so they would have somewhere to blow the money they were getting from the government. Let’s save all questions and discussion for the end, please.

In 1802, the Spanish crown realized what was going on and stopped sending welfare checks. Much to the relief of the few padres who could bear to stick around and watch the grisly social experiment unfold, many of the Branciforte settlers decided to try their luck over the hill at the Pueblo of San Jose, which I am told was also not doing so hot. Now that they were no longer being hit up for cigarettes and change every time they turned around, the residents of the mission were able to focus on their real passion: beating the natives.

By 1812 what Quiroste remained were getting pretty tired of the whole situation. They did what any of us would wish to do under the circumstances. They kidnapped Father Andres Quintana, an especially metal-whip-happy motherfucker, and beat him to death. To drive the point home, during the beating they smashed the living hell out of his genitals. Let this be a lesson to anyone considering fucking with some indigenous people. The possibility that your nuts will be smashed is very real. There is historical precedent. I back it.

I imagine this kind of took the wind out of the other padres’ sails, which would explain the events of 1818. When Argentine corsair Hippolyte de Bouchard showed up on the scene – just, you know, pirating around – the residents of Mission Santa Cruz hightailed it to Soledad for the duration. They asked (very nicely, I expect) the remaining residents of Villa de Branciforte to safeguard their valuables while they were in hiding. The Branciforteans decided that the best way to safeguard the padres’ belongings would be to, naturally, steal them all. And destroy anything they couldn’t carry. It makes sense. This way, de Bouchard wouldn’t get any of it, unless one of Branciforteans traded something to him for crack.

The padres did return, but you could tell their hearts were no longer in it. I doubt they even cared very much when the land decided that it had had its fun and destroyed their mission in a series of earthquakes throughout the 1840s and 1850s. The mission that stands next to the Holy Cross Church above downtown is, in fact, a half-size replica financed by Gladys Sullivan Doyle in 1931.

I hope this has been an informative little trip into our town’s past. The major lessons we should all take from this include: don’t fuck with the locals (if you value your balls), don’t let outside mayors send their troublemakers here, and above all, let’s keep Santa Cruz godless.

Brought to you by the Vitamin C4 Institute for Revisionist History

I trust that everyone has had a fun-filled summer full of misadventures and bouts of missing or unaccounted-for time. Now that fall is here with winter biting at its tan-to-brown-colored heels, all of us here at Vitamin C4 have compiled a checklist we hope will help prepare you for the harsh times ahead of us in our sleepy little coastal town. Good luck and godspeed.

Canned Food
We cannot stress this enough. Nothing will brighten your day more than eating fresh-out-of-the-can, two-year-old pineapple slices to remind you of the almost tropical days of summer here in Santa Cruz.

Whiskey
To cheer you up after being reminded that you wasted your summer sitting in a bar that smells like cat urine and Dan’s feet. It also keeps you warm, I guess.

A certain special someone
Hopefully you’ve had your fill of summer flings and romance. But now it’s time to settle down with that special someone and hunker down for winter. Nothing sucks more than being cold, drunk, wet and alone.

Post-Apocalyptic Novels
World War Z is a good start. Nothing is quite like curling up on a couch with a blanket and a baseball bat dreaming of a world consumed by the living dead.

Firearms
You never know.

Coffee & Cigarettes
When you don’t feel like braving the rain to go to your local bar/liquor store, sleep deprivation is the next best things. Try to read Infinite Jest in one sitting, disassemble household appliances, whatever. The sensation that you are walking on the moon at around eight in the morning is the real “good shit”.

Salad Dressing
Adds valuable calories to lettuce. Cheap, cheap lettuce.

Towel
I think this goes on every checklist.

Chicken Soup
Your house does not have insulation. This is Santa Cruz, and that is a fact. Every moment spent with your head bent over a steaming pot of awesome is another reason to drag yourself out of bed.

The new BATTLE /MTN\ record
Cause it’s off the mother fuckin’ hook! Uh, I mean chain. Yeah, chain!

Facial Hair
I can’t grow any personally, neither can Ethan. We tried once but we ended up looking like preteens.

Strobe Lights
C’mon guys. It’s about time we bring back the dance party. YEAH!

A second job
Less free time, more tattoos. Woo!

Little pocket-sized moleskines
Being able to read your palsy-drunk chicken scratch is marginally more realistic than being able to remember where you were, what you did, who she was & that one great idea you promised never to let yourself forget.

Sit tight guys! More to come on Vitamin C4.